It's not always what you do, but what you say
by Zamael
Summary: You make love like a dairy farmer!", and other sexual talks. Rated for lemon, crack pairings, and discussion about all things sex.
1. Chapter 1

A/C: It's collection of short oneshots where the characters of Avatar have all kinds of talks and discussions, where sex is always strongly involved: Either they talk about it or they're doing it while they talk. Or both. All the canon pairings are involved, but there will also be loads of crack pairing and things. In addition to normal consentual straight sex, there will be homosexuality, rape, incest, bestiality (!), and just about everything else you can imagine. Be prepared for anything, ye who walks among the realm of insane crack.

Needless to say, I have to warn you that reading these little fics is a bit gambling. Sure, there's sweetness and fun, but there's also sadness and mind screw. You may get a few laughs, or warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart, but you may also end up wishing you never came here. And of course, I'm never going to give you any further warnings whenever something nastier is coming up, because where's the fun in that? You can't just jump through the mind screw, you either have to read it all or not at all.

So enter, if ye dare! (Diabolical laughter)

--

"Have you slept with my sister?"

The question came out of nowhere, right in the middle of a casual discussion. It confused Aang. "Uh, what?"

"You heard me. You won't be married until next month. It's indecent, doing anything before that!"

Said Aang, once he had regained his composure: "Does that mean you don't trust me, Sokka?" Sokka was going to say something, but Aang continued before he got the chance: "You mean you think Katara and I would do something like that behind your back?"

"Well..."

"I- I never expected I'd hear this from you. I thought you'd have put more faith in us! After all those years traveling together, I th-"

"All right, all right!", Sokka interrupted. "That's enough. Okay. I have faith in you. In both of you. But... She's my sister, you understand? As her older brother, I have certain responsibilities. Can you blame me for being like this?"

"Well, no. But still. She is a grown woman, Sokka, she can handle herself."

"I know... It's just... Gah, forget that I said anything." He turned to leave the room. "Sorry," was the last thing Aang heard from him before he disappeared from sight.

"I notice you never really answered his question," Toph said from behind him, and was rewarded with a slightly increased heartbeat.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hmm... Indeed, captain Zhao, the power you hold, the fire within you, is... Very impressive."

"My thanks, Lord Ozai. I aim to please."

"That I noticed. You are certainly something else than that weakling Jeong Jeong."

"To be perfectly honest, Lord, I was never that impressed in him myself."

"Yes. Well, after such a magnificent performance, you may well expect to be promoted any time soon."

"Thank you, Lord."

"My pleasure. Oh, and... One more thing... Call me Ozzie. There is no need to be formal in such an... Informal situation."

"Mmm! ... Mmm... Oh, Ozzie..."

--

A/C: I was lulling you into a false sense of security with the moderately sweet and fluffy first chapter. You thought there couldn't be anything too bad after that, didn't you? Well you were wrong! Mwa ha ha ha! (And it's only gonna get worse after this.)


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey. What can I get to 'ya?"

"Just gimme the strongest stuff you got. Had a... Bad night."

"Oh? Care to tell me about it?"

"Sure..." He took the drink, and guzzled it in one go. "An'ther one." The bartender poured him another. "Okay, so, y'know admiral Chan? Guy lives in his big fancy mansion not far from here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Well I work for him. Y'know, as a guard. Get paid pretty well. Anyway, he's away now and his son threw this big party. Invited a bunch of teenagers and stuff. Fun times."

"Sounds fun."

"Well it was. Okay, so I see this girl there. Fourteen, maybe fifteen. Pretty cute, an' all. Looks a bit familiar, but didn't mind about that. So I decide I might as well have some fun, being a party an' all. You get me, man?" He took a swig of his drink.

"Yeah."

"So when no one's looking, I grab her and close her mouth with my hand and start draggin' her upstairs, y'know. Well, she didn't really try to resist me or scream or anythin', and that worried me a bit, but not much: Thought she was too shocked or drunk to notice, or somethin'."

"Probably drunk. It's what happens in those parties."

"You're telling me, man. So anyway, I drag her into this one room, tell her that if she screams she's dead, and start doing my stuff, takin' clothes off and things. And that's when it all got wrong..."

"Couldn't imagine. What happened?"

"Well y'know why I do this stuff, don't you man? It's all about the domination, like that. Like, forcing yourself to a helpless, unwilling victim, y'know how it goes. Except this time... She... She..."

The bartender remained silent, bringing a consoling hand to the shoulder of the weeping customer. After a moment of silence, the man continued.

"Before I noticed, I wasn't in control. She had... Rolled herself over me, an'... Started to do things. She was smiling like crazy, when she... Took hours before she was done. It was... I don't think I'm ever able to..."

"Shh... It's okay.", the bartender said, pouring another drink and giving it to the man. "Here. This one's on the house. Jus'... Jus' try an' forget about it. You'll be fine."


	4. Chapter 4

"Ahh... Tha- that was..."

Silence. Heavy breathing from both of them. She whimpered a bit, silently. He embraced her.

"I sure hope... You liked it as much as I did... Did you...?"

Silence. He kissed her. She smiled.

"Because, you didn't even make much noise during the..." Silence. "...Could've at least cried out or sumthin'... Thought you didn't like..."

Silence.

"Y'know, I think now, if ever, you could go and talk a little bit." Silence. "Sure doesn't make a girl feel any good, if you don't even..."

Silence. He ran his fingers through her hair. She hugged him closer.

"One of these days, y'know..." Silence. "One of these days I'm gonna get you open your mouth..."

Silence. She kissed his shoulder.

"Oh well... Love you, Longshot."

"Love you too, Smellerbee."

Silence.


	5. Chapter 5

"Nnh..."

Their lips met, fiercely, hungrily. He had her against the wall, away from curious eyes.

"How... How come we never met before?"

"It's a big airship."

"Ha-ha, yeah."

The party had barely started. They didn't know whose birthday it was yet. And they hadn't got any hotcakes yet, either. But right now, trying to get rid of each other's armors and uniforms, they couldn't care less.

Their hands wandered around. "Mmm... Oh!"

"Sshh! They're gonna hear us..."

"Do you care? ... Aahh..."

"Nhh..."

"... Okay, now I'm gonna..."

"Ohh... That's good..."

"Yeah... Man..."

"Ahh... Faster... Faster...!"

"Yeahh... Yeeaahh... I'm about to... Can't hold it...!"

They both cried in unison. He felt like he was flying, soaring free in the skies, like an airbender, followed by a freezing sensation all over, like what they had just done had taken everything out of his body.

"Ohh... Did you... Did you feel that, too?"

"Uh-huh... That was... Awesome..."

They opened their eyes.

"Oh... I guess it happened to everyone, then."


	6. Chapter 6

"Mmmhh..."

He held her and kissed her.

"Love you, Mai... Love you..."

"Love you too... That was great..."

"Sure was."

"Only one question, though."

"Huh? What?"

"Well, once, just once, at your peak..."

"Yeah?"

"...You screamed Katara's name."

Silence.

"I... I did?"

"You did. Why?"

"Uh..."


	7. Chapter 7

"Aang...?"

"Hnh... What...?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"'Course. Anything. What's on your mind?"

"Well... I was just wondering... Are all the Avatars as good in... this... as you are?"

"Huh, what makes you think Avatars had some kind of an advantage in this area?"

"Well I've heard you bunch are really popular among the ladies... Or guys, in case of female Avatars. How's that?"

"Oh, it's not because of that. They like us because of fame, power, things like that. Y'know?"

"Uh-huh. So you're saying you guys're not actually any better in bed?"

"Well, actually..."

"What? You really are better than the rest?"

A short silence. "...This isn't actually any common information... But sex and physical intimacy is, well, the only other place, apart from the Avatar, where all five can exist in a perfect harmony."

Silence.

"You're kidding me."

"I'm so not! Like, it all starts with Air, where you start by asking around, taking things easy, checking out what two people would like to do together."

"Like 'How about we had some fun, eh baby?'?"

"Well you don't need to talk, necessarily. You just do stuff and see what the other one likes. If she doesn't, you stop. You miss the Air part, and it's rape. Pure and simple."

"Okay..."

"Then, assuming that it's gone to the point where both people would like to go all the way through, comes Water. That's when you forget about thinking, and just do whatever feels nice. Get to know her through and through - or if you know her already, to remind yourself."

"Touchy feely."

"Exactly. Foreplay is important. Without water, it's just an emotionless, mechanical procedure that'll be forgotten right afterwards. Oh and, speaking of water..."

"Uh-huh?"

"This is pretty much the best place in the world for your bloodbending." Laughter. "Used in moderation, of course. Too much of that and it's rape again."

"Wouldn't want that."

"'Course you wouldn't. Anyway, let's move on: Next there's Fire, which is about command. This is when it all gets really hot, and when it's determined which side calls the shots and which one gets to enjoy the ride."

"But even the passenger gets to throw a few punches over there in the middle, right?"

"Yes, because if she, or he, didn't, then it'd be just like a king taking all the power for himself and isolating himself from his kingdom. He'll just keep ruling as a dictator, forgetting what it's really about, which always results in a disaster. Some power for peasants and commoners is good for both sides."

"That's... not a very romantic metaphor."

"But it's true."

"Huh... So anyway, now it's Earth, right?"

"Yep. And that's when you, bet you didn't see this coming, forget all the talking and touching and thinking, and bring in the brute force."

"Rock-like!" More laughter. "Yeah, I think I see what you mean. So where does Aether belong in all of this? You mentioned five elements, didn't you, not just four."

"Well, aether is all about life. Most people think it's fire, but fire is really about free will and independence. Aether comes before that."

"Yeah... This whole thing, isn't it like, all about creating new life."

"Yes." A short silence. "Well, it used to be like that, anyway. It's like the lion turtle said: At first, there was only aether. That's the time when people didn't know all about the feelings, and only cared about continuing their existence."

"And these days aether is almost forgotten: And so people mostly do this just as an expression of love, and because it's fun."

"You said it. The world barely remembers about the real reason for this thing: It's just one giant orgy for them now. We could use a bit of aether around, couldn't we?"

... Silence.

"Aang... Did you just... suggest what I think you did?"

"Well don't you think it'd be a good idea?"

"Well..."

--

A/C: I was going to make it a twist ending where it would've turned out he wasn't talking to Katara after all, but instead giving someone else, like Zuko, sex advice or something. But then it wouldn't have been bed talk, and that's pretty much the core of this entire fic.


	8. Chapter 8

"Mom..."

She was sobbing. The older woman held her, gently. "Mom, I... I'm sorry. About what I said before..."

"Azula...", the other whispered. "How could you ever doubt it? You're my daughter, I'd love you no matter what."

"I'm sorry..."

"Sshhh..." She kissed her. Her hands wandered.

"Mmm... That's good. Ohh..."

"What of you, Azula...?" A silent moan from the girl. "Do you hate me? I abandoned you. I preferred my son over you. Where mother must always love her daughter, the daughter still has all the right to hate her... Do you hate me?"

A silence. Some whimpering.

"No..." Another kiss, this time by the girl. "I love you, mom... I'll always love you..." Her hands left wandering, too.

"Ohh... I can see that."

---

"Wonder what she's dreaming?"

"I have no idea," doctor Weng responded. "But she is smiling. Perhaps the treatment is finally paying off."


End file.
